literature

A little ramble

Deviation Actions

Fate-14's avatar
By
Published:
58 Views

Literature Text

My whole life i feel like i shadowed my sister. Followed her footsteps. I guess i was always jealous of her age, she is 6 years older than me. Always jealous of anything she ever received. I guess i felt like i had to compete with her, try to out do her. I don't see why, i always had a better relationship to mum than her. I was always closer to mum than my sister could ever be, they fought too much.

Now she is studying to be a lawyer, she already has a journalism degree. I feel like i can't compete anymore. No matter what i accomplish, it will never compare. Never rise to meet her accomplishments. She is so beautiful, independent and smart. More than i ever could be. Those blue eyes and dark red hair. Never. I always felt side lined. Shy dessy, lucky to get her to school of a morning. Dessy and her tommy rot. Dessy and resistance, dessy and resistance. It doesn't matter that i have Aspergers, i feel like i am not supposed to become anything.

Dessy loves animals, Dessy loves the out doors. Dessy being unhygienic. Dessy wash your hair, have a bath!. Dessy go to school! Never once had my sister complained. Never even had to remind her.

Now i feel like no body will be proud of me, of anything i do. Anything Kara do i have to try and do better. I wasn't supposed to even be born, according to doctors. I always felt like I was doing to die before i grew up. Actually before i reached the age of 21. Never thought about life or the future. Thought i was going to do, so dessy doesn't dream. And when she did dream it was of a farm. Stupid farm says i now, farm makes no money. Farm is stupid. You are stupid.

I honestly have no aspirations. Not anymore. I try not to think. Every time i do i think of death, of blackness. I think of me not living. Maybe because i don't know if i actually want to anymore.

I always wanted to simple things, like a small toy from a second hand store. A box of soldiers. I never wanted anything big and extravagant. But in this day and age you need to in order to survive. All i want is a farm and animals. I never wanted a job or education. Just a farm and animals. No husband or kids. Just farm and animals. Peace and freedom. Simple and nice.

I can't cope with extravagance, with big flaunting careers. I was teased for my dreams as a kid. Told they were stupid (from other children) they wanted to be doctors, i wanted to be a farmer. Told it was unreasonable from my teachers. Maybe thats why i hate kids, and teachers.

But what i want, its something i cant have. It can't compare to what my sister has, must out do her.
Just a rant.
© 2012 - 2024 Fate-14
Comments0
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In